Lemonade.

My juicer stopped working.

Now life is just stoning me more lemons than I know what to do with. My juicer was working great until today. I’m not sure what changed today but something did and my streak of happiness finally came to a halt (tbh I was suspicious because why was I so happy?).

Love is a very stupid thing. It’s so crazy because the intensity you love a person with, is the exact same you can hate said person with. There’s a painfully thin line between love and hate and I tether precariously. (“Hate is a strong word” I’m aware and that’s why I used it).

It’s insane how one minute you love a person so deeply and in the blink of an eye, your chest is bursting with so much hatred and you can’t stand them anymore (this did not happen to me pls. At least not recently).

(Wow there’s a lot of brackets).

Again love is actually a very silly thing. It makes you so vulnerable and you’re basically offering your heart on the table and saying; I lay my heart bare to you, do with it as you wish.

And I promise the chances of them using a hammer to smash that heart is, are very high. You’ll cry.

Speaking of heartbreak, I’ve never been heartbroken before. At least not by a man I was involved with romantically. People say the best time to get heartbroken is in your teenage years or maybe like 20 ish and that getting your first heartbreak in your 20s can run you mad. Am I crazy for being curious as to what that feels like? Nobody broke my heart as a teenager. I’m in my early 20s and I’m very curious. (Please don’t take me seriously. If you break my heart I will burn you alive actually).

Anyway, I think heartbreak at any age is devastating. It’s probably harder as you get older because you still have to show up and participate in society. Imagine the love of your life just shattered your heart and your boss is asking you for a report. Please ma I actually can’t breathe, can you let me think?

Don’t let them break your heart sha. People die from heartbreak. As much as the pain is emotional, it can also translate to the physical and you can have cardiac arrest and you’ll just die for nothing. (Whatever you do, don’t allow anybody kill you) [wow such solid advice :)].

People die every minute and that’s so scary. The person you’re talking to this minute can very well pass onto glory the next minute. And the world doesn’t stop. Anytime I hear bereaved people talk about what grief feels like, (especially those who have lost a parent, sibling or lover), I feel so sad for them. Your loved one dies and the world just keeps moving? I wish the world stopped everytime someone dies, as a show of empathy or solidarity. But if that were the case, the earth would never spin again.

Seriously though, I don’t know much about grief but I’ve seen people I love, grieve and I’m so sorry. It must feel like your heart wants to burst out of your chest and like you want to jump into the ground with them. I don’t know how you people have been able to keep on with life and I think it’s so cruel that the world keeps spinning when you lose someone.

Grief: I don’t know direct grief. I’ve lost people I’ve known well but the most I’ve felt is pity at a life cut short and that’s only because I’ve never lost anyone I hold dearest to my heart. If I do, I’m sorry I’ll have to go with you. I’m not interested in a life that doesn’t have these people in it. Frankly.

The inevitability of death is soul crushing. What do you mean me, my friends, my family would die one day and there’s nothing I can do about it? For someone with suicide ideations, death scares the shit out of me when it’s not on my own terms.

Contrary to popular belief, people who commit suicide are one of the bravest people in the world. (Please if you know me personally and think this is a cry for help, it’s not. I’m fine and I’m too vain to unalive myself so please no need to preach).

Society calls them cowards for “taking the easy way out”. That’s hilarious because there is absolutely nothing easy about taking your own life. Do am if e easy now. I think they’re very brave and I’m so sorry that life was so hard and cruel that they believed death was the only way out.

I hate it when Christians say shit like “God doesn’t give you a battle you can’t win” or something along that line. That’s horse shit. People commit suicide because their battles got too tough. There’s no winning.

And please if you know anyone that’s suicidal, resist the urge to tell them that they’re being selfish. It is YOU that’s saying that rubbish that’s selfish. How can a person be struggling to find a will to live and you somehow make it about you? Are you insane? Man.

Anyway, back to grief. There’s a unique type of grief I feel. It’s the grief of losing someone you never knew. You know them from stories and pictures but you never met them. Missed meeting them just by a hair’s breadth. And then you spend your whole life wondering what could have been and how differently your life might have turned out with them in it. They turn out to be the very thing that you need to push through life.  And it’s jarring that you’ll never know. You’re left with “what ifs”.

Lastly, don’t forget to live. You’re too full of life to be half loved. You have only one life but you live everyday and you should make the best of it because you can die at any fucking time mehn.